In Defense of Trading Kids for Cockatoos

This disturbing (and yet somehow believable) crime story from Louisiana reopens an age-old debate. What’s worth more: two kids or a cockatoo?

Yes, the child trader in the story swapped two kids (a girl, 4, and a boy, 5) for a cockatoo. But the bird wasn’t quite an equal trade, so she asked the couple to throw in $175 as well.

Now, I know there’s some outrage about this. The courts convicted both the trader and the recipient (a married couple, perhaps tired of IVF?) of serious crimes, for example. But I’d like to offer a modest defense of the woman involved.

First, these kids were placed in her care by their biological parents.  It’s possible the parents just hadn’t mapped out clear expectations for the arrangement. Did they state, in writing, Don’t Trade Kids for Exotic Pets? Doubtful. You can’t expect people to just infer things like that. Sheesh.

Second, I know Cockatoo sounds like an unimpressive beast, because it’s tiny and incontinent and has a the word ‘cock’ in its name. But have you considered the magnificence of a cockatoo? They didn’t say exactly which species, but it could have been a Major Mitchell’s for example, which is pictured here. Look at that big beauty: it’s like a pink eagle, for Chrissakes.

Or, it could’ve been a red tailed black cockatoo, which retails for up to $15,000. Tell me what those kids have done to generate that kind of cash. And I shouldn’t have to mention the great problem facing art thieves also faces kid-sellers in this economy: it’s very risky getting them off your hands. Making that asset liquid could get you in a lot of trouble. The cockatoo market, on the other hand, is easy and sometimes even legal.

Let me be the first to admit that cockatoos do have one major weakness as pets and partners. The cockatoo comes from the jungles of Australasia and therefore have evolved to communicate in insanely loud screeches. And if you do not respond to their demands, they only screech louder.

That is, they are exactly like preschoolers. Except in this case, they also came with $175 in cash. In Louisiana, that can buy a lot of crawdads, people. Case closed.