Chocolate! Formula!

So exciting to hear! Old-fashioned baby milk is just so boring and un-processed and natural! Yes, the Los Angeles Times reports Mead Johnson, the maker of Enfamil, has introduced a product for toddlers who are graduating from breast milk or formula to new food, and it’s not just flavored (chocolate OR vanilla). It contains 19.7 grams of sugar per seven-ounce serving.

That’s more than four and a half teaspooons. Almost surely more than you, a significantly larger adult person, put in your coffee, and just slightly less than an equivalent amount of Coca-Cola contains.

Well, if we’re going to go this route as a culture—which is to say, habituating 1-year-olds to something that will give half of them diabetes—I say go all the way. Offer tricked-out flavors, the way Coffee-Mate does. Crème brûlée. Hazelnut. Give out free refills, from the dispenser stations at fast-food outlets and at Dunkin’ Donuts. And most important: Caffeinate it. Those future Starbucks drinkers aren’t just growing on trees.