Worst Father’s Day Gift Ever?

In my line of work, silly season has always kicked off right about now: It’s summertime, when Washington goes on recess and news outlets start writing about the stupidest things imaginable. My dear alma mater Time practically defined this category with its urgent and breathless reporting, in summer 2001, of the great danger posed to the U.S. by … sharks.

But in my new capacity as Dadblogger, I have seen that silly season starts now for a much different reason: Father’s Day.

Dadwagon is approaching its first Father’s Day, and like all dads, we will be outwardly gruff but inwardly quite pleased at the bit of extra attention and maybe an extra neckhug or two from the kids.

Likewise, we appreciate the friendly notes from companies about ideas for products or activities. We are not anti-corporatists here at DadWagon, but we reserve the right to mock any such offers or suggestions that come across the transom, if they are worth mocking. And the first Father’s Day suggestion that came into our tip box from a PR firm is, indeed, exquisitely mockable. Here’s the first part of this lovely pitch:

This Father’s Day, encourage your readers to consider asking for a gift that is not only technologically-advanced, but can help protect their family!

I represent Fellowes, Inc., the leading shredder manufacturer.  The company recently released a new product in Target Stores- the P-12C.  This machine has all of the bells and whistles at an affordable price, and can help Dads protect their families against identity theft- the nation’s fastest growing crime. Last year alone, identity theft impacted 11.1 million Americans, according to Javelin Strategy and Research’s 2010 Identity Fraud Survey Report.  That’s an increase of 12 percent from the previous year.

That’s right: get dad a fucking shredder this Father’s Day. Which is basically the same as getting him a trash can.

But it’s not just the ugh factor of imagining the dad who actually gets this for a gift (and it would come in a big box that would even get dad’s hopes up a little bit, only to crush them upon realizing that it’s a fucking shredder). What gets me is how this is being pitched to dads. Anyone living in post-9/11 America shouldn’t be surprised by fear-based advertising (The survival kit your family can’t live without! Branson, Mo.: 100% terrorist-free! Beware of identity theft!). But in pitching this item–a fucking shredder–our PR friend is attempting to leverage that gut instinct that fathers have to protect their young families.

My suggestion: if you’re going to try to pry some of mom’s money loose by saying that dad needs to protect the family, don’t stop at office supplies. Please, sell us a Bowie knife and some warpaint. Because a Real Dad doesn’t just want to thwart identity thieves, he wants to gut them and make the sewers run red with their blood.

Now, in acknowledgment that there have probably been worse, and perhaps even far worse, Father’s Day Gifts, I do want to throw it open to you all. If you have received or have heard of something more inane or deflating than a fucking shredder, then please leave a comment. Or make an argument as to why the old standbys–Old Spice and a pair of tube socks–would be worse that the P-12C shredder.