An Open Letter to Sasha Grey

Dear Ms. Grey,

Let me first say that I have no quibble with your chosen profession. As long as there is pornography, there must be porn stars, and though it is clearly a dirty, dirty job (at least when done properly), someone has to do it. In the eyes and hearts of many people, you are that someone. And as I’ve—ahem—heard from authoritative sources, you do the job quite convincingly well.

And, too, let me hasten to add that your name had nothing to do with the name I gave my daughter, Sasha Raven. You, née Marina Ann Hantzis, apparently chose Sasha because of KMFDM. I chose the name Sasha because it sounds Jewy, but not too Jewy. There are coincidences in this world, and the fact that two people have the name Sasha is one of the less remarkable ones.

But I do wish to make a request. (No, it has nothing to do with your performance in “Anal Cavity Search 6.”) Now that you are embarking on a mainstream acting career, with roles in Stephen Soderbergh films and HBO series, you have a new responsibility—not to fuck up my daughter’s middle-school career. That is, according to both our fine commenter The Holmes and The Hollywood Reporter, you may soon be portraying a character named… Raven, “described as a free spirit who helps one of the men realize that nirvana can only be achieved by death.”

That connection alone—of Sasha to Raven—will likely dog my daughter throughout her school days. And for that, of course, you bear no responsibility. Hey, Hollywood comes calling, and you get the roles you get. The only thing I can ask is that you turn out actually to be a good actress. Play your parts well, show some originality, choose interesting projects—above all, please don’t fail. Because if you fail, then you’re just the nasty porn star who happened to do a movie where your character’s name reminds everyone of my daughter. If you succeed, however, you’re, well, maybe not a role model, exactly, but at least not just a filthy girl who has sex on film for money (and I mean that as a compliment of some kind, I think).

Think of it this way: Be the kind of crossover actress who inspires kids like my Sasha Raven to, in the face of mockery based on the similarity of your names, stand up to the mean girls and … I don’t know. Beat the shit out of them? Zing ’em with outrageous one-liners? Or maybe just shrug her shoulders because the only famous actress named Sasha that anyone knows has a couple of Oscars to her credit and makes otherwise risky indies bankable.

Sincerely,

Matt Gross

P.S. Also, please don’t take characters whose names involve the words Jean, Ching-wen, Matt, Benjamin, or Gross. Okay, you can have Gross—but use it well.