The Internet Is Ruining Everything (for Me)

Last week, as you may remember, we Dadwagoneers tried to figure out how we could successfully ignore Santa Claus, Christmas and the whole swarm of wintertime Christianity. Well, it appears we, or at least I, may have brought some indirect Internet backlash on ourselves/myself, as this week I’ve begun to come across all kinds of anti-me media. Example no. 1:

But look, you may say, that’s just one guy—one guy who writes very catchy and hilarious-even-if-I-disagree-with-them lyrics. Where’s the rest of the anti-Matt onslaught?

Well, here’s another one. These crazy design geeks have come up with a Christmas tree for Christmas-loving Jews—and it’s made of stars of David! It’s marketed, sort of, as a way for Jews to get in on the Christmas spirit, but you know me, I see it as an insidious attempt to transform and co-opt the most sacred emblems of my faith—a faith I cheerfully admit I don’t believe in or hold particularly dear.

Other things seemed put out there on the Internet just to frustrate me, like this 1-year-old baby at a church service who seems to be really into it, and who’s probably taken by her relatives as a miraculous example of how even the smallest children can feel the Lord’s presence, but is really a living, swaying demonstration of “religious socialization.”

Or perhaps this other amusing video of things that kids—and one day, probably, my kid—get taught in abstinence-only classes—things like… Oh my god, just watch the video yourself and then go barf and have a vasectomy.

Finally, we get to the one element of Christmastime that I actually kind of like: The Charlie Brown Christmas Special. Now, of course I don’t like it for the wonderful “true meaning of Christmas” it presents at the end, but for the litany of miseries visited on its hapless hero throughout. But of course, the Internet has to go screw that up, too. Here’s Deadspin.com:

I showed my kid the Charlie Brown Christmas special the other day and she was depressed for the rest of the week. Why are we still subjecting kids to this awful shit? …

I was all excited to show my kid this special, because I watched it when I was a kid and I’m a selfish asshole so I wanted my kid to watch it and like it and be like me. Then I turned it on and I was like, “Wait! I fucking hate this shit.” Then the show ended and my kid was like, “I didn’t like that show.” Then she went and started throwing things.

I’d quote a lot more from the piece, but you can go and read it yourself. Basically, the guy hates everything about Peanuts: the depression, the despair, the disappointment. Not only does he hate it, he doesn’t want his kid to like it either. No doubt he wants some uplifting, cheerful holiday-time charming crap that will please his daughter and then she won’t throw things. Well, the hell with you, Deadspin.com. Life is awful, Christmastime is a month of hypocrisy, and the Internet has ruined my week.