Dad, it’s all your fault

There are many things I blame Michael Douglas for. I blame him for not just acting in but also producing The Jewel of the Nile. I blame him and for trying to make us think that Demi Moore would sexually harass him in Disclosure. I blame him for glorifying anti-cholo violence in Falling Down.

I would not blame him, however, for the fact that I asked my girlfriend to smuggle me heroin inside an electric toothbrush. But that’s exactly what Douglas’s son Cameron, 31, did in a New York courtroom last week.

In a legal strategy best described as fame-blame, Cameron’s lawyers said the his father’s success as an actor caused the son’s (repeated) troubles. Said Dan Gitnar, Douglas’s defense attorney:

(Douglas’s) serious heroin addiction (stems from) notoriety that is not due to any acts of his own but by dint of birth and a difficult upbringing.

Gitner gets one point for using the phrase “by dint of birth.” He loses many more points for letting a full-grown man blame dope-seeking on his dad. Gitner’s dad, by the way, was a powerful CEO, the former head of Trans World Airlines — but that didn’t make Gitner a drug addict/dealer.

It’s not just drugs they’re blaming Michael Douglas for. At an earlier February hearing another defense lawyer blamed a whole catalog of “reckless” behavior on him:

Not violent, just screwing up in every way — car accidents, motorcycle accidents, tattoos. I think a lot of it had to do with who his parents are.

I don’t know what kind of father Douglas actually was. Am I wrong to assume that any man who marries a woman nearly his son’s age may have had difficulties accepting the task of father the first time around? He admitted to being “no angel” and being absent a lot. But seriously, Cameron, you’re an adult. Leave your dad out of it, unless he was the one asking for the dope.

Speaking of accountability, the courts might want to take a look at themselves. I am no fan of the War on Drugs, but it’s worth pointing out that when Douglas was first arrested in a raid on his room at the Hotel Gansevoort, he was charged with dealing meth. But in short order he was released to house arrest at his mom’s $9 million New York apartment. That’s where he tried to get his girlfriend to smuggle heroin in the toothbrush (by the way, don’t people keister anymore?).

If anything has been troubling Cameron, it might be that the legal system has a double standard for the rich and famous (see lying chauffeur-slayer Jayson Williams, eligible for parole in 18 months). For once, I’d like to see Cameron’s lawyers push a more honest claim in court: Your Honor, my client has been damaged by a lifetime of leniency from starfucking judges like yourself.