Robot Father Knows Best

Ever since I wrote about the creeptastic Japanese robot baby, I’ve been a bit obsessed with robots, and specifically how they will interact with our families. And of course, I’m turning to the Internet for context.

Let’s start again with the Japanese, who have long been in the forefront of cyberfamily dynamics. Surprisingly, they’ve not always been comfortable with the idea of robots in the family. As we can see in this documentary TV series, “Sun Vulcan,” when your father is replaced by a robot, it’s not always a good thing. Because sometimes he’s after the microfilm!

That was a while ago, though. These days, robot families are a lot more complicated. In this clip, one robot tells another he’s discovered human emotions—specifically, sadness—thanks to his father. That is, he cries whenever he thinks of dad… naked. Robots, they’re just like us!

But robotic emotional damage goes well beyond the usual imagining-dad-naked trauma. In this unproduced screenplay, “Robot Dad Explodes Noisily,” Hank, the titular paterfamilias, attempts to have the local cops deal with the young men who recently gang-raped him:

MULLET

Here’s the thing, Hank. There’s nothing we can do. Technically, you were never even raped. You don’t qualify as a victim.

HANK

I don’t understand, detective.

MULLET

It’d be the same as me fucking my toaster — pardon my French — it’s messed up, it’s wrong, and the damn thing sure as hell never gave no consent, but it ain’t rape. It’s a machine, all right? YOU’RE a machine.

In short, if you ever wished your biological bits could be replaced by advanced technology, so that you could tend to your fatherly duties with a bit more smarts and energy, well, think again. Robot fatherhood is just as frustrating as human fatherhood: Your kids will cry when they think of you, and plus you might get abused like a toaster.

On the other hand—the microfilm!