I should start out by saying that there is no argument about the amount of childraising done by men and women. Even in this dual income world, where mothers bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, do the laundry, meet the sexual needs of their lazy-ass spouses, the expectations and the reality remain: mothers do more of everything.
Certainly this isn’t universally true. Rumor has it that Matt has changed a diaper or too in his time (frugally, of course–sometimes he uses them twice). And yes, Nathan did breastfeed his youngest (and looked mighty fine doing it from what I hear). But frankly, I think that most modern fathers can only really say that they do more than their fathers (who did more than theirs).
As a divorced father I have had to perform far more parenting tasks than I did while I was with JP’s mother. Not that I was ever unwilling (ah the joys of never having my facts challenged). My ex tended to dominate most of this work because she was convinced that I couldn’t do anything right, and that I was likely to harm JP as I was to get him fed. I dispute that characterization, but it existed (still exists) nonetheless.
I thought of all of this after reading this Q and A the Times posted yesterday with Erin Sheehan, the community editor of UrbanBaby (must resist urge to poke fun at their tagline–no! I can’t do it: “Parenting, Kids, Honesty, Style” but not necessarily in that order):
Question: Where are all the stay-at-home dads in this city? How come we don’t have a support group?
Answer: As a stay-at-home dad you are part of a growing breed. Fathers today are spending more time with their children whether they are working fathers or stay-at-home dads. There are even those men who work with their employers to create a flexible arrangement so that they can make up for some child care during the week while the mother works. I personally know of two fathers in my extended family who have chosen to be stay-at-home dads.
Thanks for the acknowledgment, Erin, but I really think it’s unnecessary, and perhaps undeserved. Yes, I do have a flexible work schedule that allows me spend more time wih JP, but really, I think the media and the market will begin to more fully recognize fathers as parents when more fathers begin acting like parents. Like or not, it isn’t universal. The two fathers mentioned in her response? Well, I know two fathers who refused to have a child with their wives unless they had an explicit agreement exempting them from any childcare until the kid becomes a “person” at five years old.
Happens all the time.
I am one of those mythical characters that is not only a stay at home dad but also do much more with the kids in terms of raising them, feeding them, and preforming short term medical tests on them then my wife does. I think this is indeed a growing trend whether you recognize, it in your circle of apparently classy guys, or not. I think there is a long way to go, and we may never get there, where the parental responsibility is equal all over but we can say that there is indeed a growing breed.
Are you referring to me as one of those fathers who “had an explicit agreement exempting them from any childcare” I never showed you the fine print of that agreement. It was all good in theory but it is an agreement that could not survive real married life. (nor something my son was willing to except, he will only let daddy put on his pajamas) FYI i change diapers, give him baths, feed him dress him, sing him to sleep and take part in all other child rearing activities. I admit my wife does the lion share of the work, but I am far from exempt. Unless of course, I wish to reside on the couch for the rest of my life.
Yikes! A response from the real world! Hope you weren’t offended. Any guesses on who the other guy is? –Theodore.
James–I don’t think I meant to imply that enthusiastic, hard-working fathers are non-existent–just perhaps not existent enough. –Theodore.
BTW–Gregg, note that I mentioned that in my case with JP’s mother (don’t use her name, please) she did more than me when we were together. Sheesh. Now I feel bad. –Theodore.
I think there is a very practical answer to the question: there just isn’t a critical mass of stay-at-home dads to form support groups. In order to find a quorum of people who do not drive each other crazy, you have to start off with a huge number of potential members. Many moms do not belong to support groups, because they get annoyed by them. Instead they end up forming a few close friendships with other moms they are lucky enough to meet and like. In order to find success, SAHD need to stop wishing for a support group and instead focus more on finding a fellow parent friend. But because of our small numbers, us Dads cannot limit ourselves to just other Dads. We need to think of Moms and even Nannies as potential friends as well.
dont feel bad. Though I was dragged kicking and screaming into parenthood, it was the best thing ever to happen to me. My son has taught me so much about life and he is only 20 months old. I look forward to all the growth both of us will do in the future. On the flip side, there is a reason why woman are the ones who bear children and why (most) men cant breast feed. It is not PC to mention it, but woman are better suited for the child rearing role. Evolution has seen to that. (no disrespect to all the Mr moms out there ) I think your blog is great ,informative and funny. Keep up the good work.
BTW who is the other guy?
are there any contenders out there to replace SAHD? it’s just so, well, sad sounding.