Is Your Child Mentally Ill? Yes. Very.

Driving home from Connecticut yesterday, I was faced with the following, unusual question from my wife in the back seat:

“Is the baby bipolar?”

After my double-take, Jean explained: A few minutes ago, Sasha had been bawling in her car seat, inconsolable. But, since we’d stopped for soft-serve ice cream, she was now cheerily cooing—180 degrees from her earlier mental state. Could she be bipolar?

Um, no, of course not. The explanation for Sasha’s switcheroo may have had something to do with copious amounts of sugar.

But the more I thought about it, the more bipolarity made sense as a way to explain her lightning-fast mood changes. She’s not, however, just bipolar. She’s struck by various aphasias, saying “nose” when she points at her mouth. Acute claustrophobia has been known to strike her in elevators (particularly glass ones), and her constant requests to wash her hands are clear evidence of obsessive-compulsive disorder. One day, if all goes well, she’ll invent imaginary friends and we can add schizophrenia to the list.

As I’m sure Theodore would agree, babies and children are all essentially mentally ill, and not just mentally ill but stricken with a constellation of syndromes. Find it in the DSM IV, and it’ll probably apply to your LO. Echolalia, kleptomania, phantom Joubert syndrome, malingering, motor skills disorder, narcissistic personality disorder—chances are, your toddler has more than one of these issues.

Which makes me wonder: For those of us dealing with miniature mental patients, can we find parenting advice from psychiatrists? (Other than psychopharmaceuticals and strait jackets, which we’re all already using. Right?) How do asylum orderlies deal with echolalics and mud-eaters?

And, on the other side, is there some scientific value in the idea that, as we grow up, we naturally shed mental disorders until we’re left with none (or maybe just one or two)? Is there something going on in juvenile brain chemistry that could somehow be replicated in adults suffering from mental illness?

If so, and if Pfizer or Merck develops drugs to simulate this natural development, then I claim patent rights. Until then, however, I’ll invest in a set of restraints for my budding malingerer, sponsored by Klonopin™.