The New York Times Magazine’s “Year in Ideas” issue is always a fascinating read, chock full of crowd-sourced mathematical theorems and hourglass surfboards. But this year’s edition left me feeling a bit depressed.
First, the news that “Infant Sleep Is Destiny.” Apparently, researchers have figured out that if your 12-to-18-month-old has “erratic sleep patterns,” then the kid will also have reduced “executive functioning” (impulse control, ability to focus), which in turn determines whether he or she winds up, I guess, a handsomely compensated executive or a gibbering, subliterate drone.
Next, we now have to worry about thirdhand smoke—the potentially carcinogenic particles left lingering in the air long after a cigarette’s been extinguished. “The more you smoke in these locations, the more microlayers of these toxins build up,” says the professor of pediatrics researching the phenomenon. Great. At least we’ve got a couple of months till he publishes and we can really start freaking out.
Actually, none of this should surprise any of us, since the Earth effectively has a death wish. According to “The Medea Hypothesis,” species are inherently selfish and self-destructive: plants suck up carbon and cause ice ages; bacteria spew methane and toxic oxygen; humans grow tobacco and leave carcinogenic particles lying around for their children to inhale. Message: Even if your kid sleeps all night and you don’t smoke, we’re all doomed anyway!
And it’s just another Sunday morning at the Gross household….