DADWAGON

My son has peed on so many things in his short life—chairs, walls, toys, and, above all, my lap—that it is almost remarkable that he had never peed on the one thing he is supposed to: a toilet.

Until now, that is.

As of 8:15 p.m. yesterday, we are the proud parents of a boy who actually pissed where he was supposed to. And this at the tender young age of two and a half—never mind that 2-year-old horses are already balling and racing and winning big cash payouts.

Still, we are proud. And we are ready for the beginning of the end of diapers in our lives (lord knows it may take a while before he’s actually potty-trained, though).

Now, as every PR person who has emailed DadWagon has found out, we are not really product-people at DadWagon, but I have to give some of the credit to Nico’s sleek new potty. What kismet that the potty comes from Baby Bjorn, who don’t sponsor us but do sponsor our good friends DadLabs? I actually don’t like BabyBjorn’s main product, the infant carrier, so much. But this simple piece of molded plastic makes a pretty stellar device, particularly for the boys. Not that I know much about physics or geometry, but let’s just say that toddler penises don’t really point down as much as one would like. If it weren’t for the Baby Bjorn shield, Nico could be potty trained and still peeing all over everyone.

So we and our little pissed-on pot are quite content for the moment. We feel somewhat validated as well in our hands-off approach; I know that East Germans forced their kids to potty train by the age of 1, for example, and I can’t really say that the whole country was damaged by the process. But we let Nico figure things out on his own, for the most part. We led from the front, as they say in the Army. We led by example. And that, dear readers, is our own Silverman-esque story of courage, redemption, and pee.

After I bellyached about whether the fact that I am not a SAHD meant I technically had the same dad-title as the noted lousy father Don Draper, commenter Ken Guerin wrote in with his own Grito de Yara:

If I tell someone that I am a Dad, I couldn’t care less if they picture Don Draper, Don Knotts, Don Corleone, Don Juan, etc.

Perhaps I am just too hopped up on caffeine, but this strikes me as an exciting ontological breakthrough. Perhaps all levels of fatherhood, or even manhood, can be categorized by the simple question: Which Don are You?

OK, Don Juan and Don Corleone are not Dons in the first-name sense, because they are honorifics. But I think they should still count. And maybe even the Don-Don from Family Guy’s Star Wars remake (that is, a whiny, freezing Don Knotts on the body of a Tauntaun) should count as well.

But there are so many more Dons (though I’m not counting University of San Francisco athletes). I, for example, felt a lot like Don Rickles this morning as I reported for an unwanted second week of jury duty: pink-faced and spewing invective. Other, more manly dads could choose inked-up Don Ed Hardy. Someone has got to be linen-suited Don Johnson. Or mumbling bigot Don Imus. Oscar nominee Don Cheadle is up for grabs. Whoever you are experiencing, whoever you are being, a Don has been through it all before.

Are there any Dons I’m missing? Which Don are you? Write in an answer, even if your name is, well, something like Ken.

One great thing about being an, ahem, Morning Assignment Dad, is that I don’t even have to remember that in New York State, tomorrow (Sep. 21) is Take Your Child to School Day. Because around my house, every day is Take Your Child to School Day.

This NY State initiative should not be confused with the NIH’s Take Your Child to Work Day (which was in April of this year) or even with last week’s Talk Like a Pirate Day.

Here’s a .pdf document and an audio notice about the day (only a government bureaucracy would think to disseminate perfectly simple information through .pdf and .mp3).

I’ve got a few issues with any government plan to tell us how to parent, I guess. I’m not saying this is like Christine O’Donnell telling us not to pleasure ourselves, but it does seem like a strange intiative for government to take on. I hope all fathers consider taking their kids to school. I suspect that those who don’t aren’t going to be swayed by a press release from Albany.

Perhaps the target audience, legitimately, is the employer. There are plenty of bastard shopkeeps and miserly CEOs who wouldn’t give their employees a few hours off for something like this; maybe some declaration from the capitol, toothless in every other way, might help them change their ways. If not, we should declare a Stop Being an Asshole Employer Day as soon as possible.

One other weirdness: this day is sponsored by both the New York State Office of Children and Family Services (OCFS) and the New York State Office of Temporary & Disability Assistance (OTDA). I get the OCFS. But what in the world does this have to do with Disability Assistance? Is taking your kid to school only something you should do if you’ve wrenched your back at a union job and are taking horse-sized dose of Percocet every few hours? Is involvement with your kid some other kind of disability?

I’m confused. But no matter, I will be an unwitting celebrant tomorrow, at 8:10am, taking my daughter to school. Huzzah for me.