It Doesn’t Work

A short while ago I wrote a post about how amazing I am as a father, offering as evidence my ability to get both of my children to go to sleep at once. Do I regret connecting the successful sleep patterns of my progeny with my capacities as a father? No. I don’t. I stand by my statements from the earlier post (“I’m pretty fantastic”). I just don’t know how strongly I would pusht the sleep angle.

Tomoko is out of town again (three nights!) and again it happens to fall during the nights I have JP. It’s a lot to do, but the kids are pretty manageable, plus I had my father over for dinner, so there was built in entertainment. Only problem was that Ellie, who never gives me trouble about sleep, refused to go down. For over two hours. Of crying. And getting her out of the crib. And putting her back. Followed by more crying.

I definitely did not drink enough this evening either to deserve this or handle it with equanimity.

Connect Thyself: Router Giveaway from Linksys

Note: This post was sponsored by Linksys and the new Linksys E4200v2 router. For more information on sponsored posts, read the bottom of our About Page.

Just two short weeks ago, DadWagon reader Max Yang hit the jackpot with a $100 BestBuy gift certificate from our sponsor, Linksys. As Max so elegantly wrote in response, “Winner, winner, chicken dinner.”

Well, we are officially raising the stakes on that chicken dinner. It is now a full filet mignon. Because this week Linksys is giving away a E4200 router, retail value $179.99 (yes, that’s almost 80% more than $100).

But figures are not important. Before passing this on to one of you (rules for the contest below), we needed to be sure this thing works. So Linksys was good enough to send us a router to test drive. We hooked it up at DadWagon’s secret laboratory somewhere in the five boros, and we can now tell you this. It works. It works, in fact, much better than any router we’ve used in our civilian lives before.

The details:

Ease: We are a dadblog, written by men who wish there were still typewriters on earth (one of the four co-founders, for example, left to write a book about Polaroid cameras, of all things). We don’t code, we’re not good with cables. This router did not ask this of us. Put in the CD, stick blue cable into orange port, and you’re basically done. As bruised veterans of the 2010 War with the Wireless Repeater that Would Not Ever Ever Register on Any Network Ever (a riveting story to be told another time), we are glad for ease of use.

Power: This is not scientific, but the walls of our test-space are made of concrete that is, according to our measurements, hellathick. We were nervous at first about the range of a device that has no antenna (see the sleekness in the photo). That’s because we are the type of suckers who used to believe that a cellphone wouldn’t be any good unless it had an antenna (again, we are Luddites). As it happens, though, this router blasted (in a very invisible and non-damaging way) through any and all obstacles, and we were quickly able to download enough Dora the Explorer cartoons to have our children reading Don Quixote in the original before lunch.

Options: As part of the easy setup (see above), the router automatically established a guest network with a separate password for us. We hadn’t thought we’d need a guest network, but it would sure be handy if we were running an AirBnB hostel in the home, or if our house guests might steal our data, or if we want to keep our wives away from our passwords (kidding!). Granted, we don’t get a lot of visitors since we brought two incontinent yelping young things into this world. But the function is actually pretty cool. Bonus: USB capability, so you can plug a external hard drive directly into the router and store from your wireless devices. We live, as many fathers do, in a ceaseless whirlpool of digital photos and video, both personal and for work. We are, in essence, data-drowning. We applaud anyone who can give us a little life raft.

The Giveaway: Same rules as last time. Comment on this post on our Facebook page and in one week’s time we, with the help of the genius algorithms of Random.org, will pick a lucky winner. Even Max Yang is eligible.

Barber Porn!

A memory from my childhood that has always stuck with me: one day when I was around JP’s age–nearly six–I went with my father to his barber shop near Wall Street. When he was in the chair having a cut I sat in the front area, perusing the selection of magazines, which ranged from sporting to politics to porn.

I found and find this strange. I also remember asking my father about why the magazines were there (not what they were: I was a perv even then) and not really getting a satisfactory answer, other than men like to look at naked chicks while they wait to get a shave and a haircut, two bits, please. I can’t imagine the magazines were there for titillation purposes, as a barber shop may very well be the least arousing spot on earth after the proctologist’s office.

And yet, there they were–and are. I ducked out of my office today on my lunch break and went to a nearby barber shop to get a trim at an old man’s barber shop–the cut-style posters on the wall were circa 1981; the barbers, circa 1951, and Greek, for some reason–and as I sat and waited my turn, I idly flipped through the pages of Time (boring), and People (vapid), and yes, Playboy, which in its own  odd way was nostalgic, and not just because of the glamor studio lighting on the nude shots.

It was the whole thing: nudie magazines, talcum powder, hair clippers, hot towels, and the sense of impending senior citizenship. It’s Super Cuts for JP, though.

DadWagon Q&A: Doug Moe is a Bad Dad

Doug Moe is quite a few things: a comedian, a blogger, a Brooklynite, and the father of a girl who, creepily enough, is almost EXACTLY the same age as my own daughter. He’s also got a well-reviewed one-man show called Doug Moe is a Bad Dad playing on Feb. 15 (that’s this Wednesday night) at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater at 8pm. Buy tickets or, if you are not in New York, just pay a visit to his very funny blog, Man Versus Child. Doug was kind enough to stop by DadWagon for a Q&A.

Nathan: First off: What makes you think you have any idea about being a bad dad? There are lots of REALLY bad dads out there. The bar is high.

Doug:  That is true.  There are a lot of really bad dads out there.  I’m merely claiming that I am one of them. Actually, my show is much more about the FEAR of being a bad dad…whether I am or not.

Nathan: Seems like if you can avoid murdering your kids’ mom and then blowing them and yourself up, you’re doing pretty well (or is it too soon to joke about Powell?)

Doug: Yes, there is a point at which there’s no denying that you are a bad dad; probably Murder/Blowing Up Your Family is beyond that point. Most of us never get to THAT point, but when you’re in a music class singing “Wheels on the Bus” and you REALLY don’t want to be…I think even then you might think: “I’m a bad person, I should be better at this…”

Nathan:  Goodness. I have been there, too. [Editors note: who fucking hasn’t?] Do dads really have to do that crap to be good parents?

Doug:  That’s what we’re told and what I try to do in my show is talk about that fear… like every little misstep will ruin your child.  And then I also think that so much “bad” stuff can be justified.  So like you say, “Well watching Dora again isn’t really good parenting…but THEN AGAIN she did learn the proper use of the word “calculate” from Pinkie Dinkie Doo…”

Nathan: Aha. Now you’re at the heart of why we wanted to talk to you. If there’s a theme on DadWagon… actually, there is no theme. But I wish there were, and I wish it had something to do with figuring out why parenting got so oppressive and what we can do about it.

Doug:  haha. Yes.

Nathan: Is the proper response to go full Mad Men as a father, and just drink and work like the old days?

Doug:  That seems to be working out for Don Draper, so probably. But then again… I think one of the things that can be tough now as dads is that there’s been this shift to us being maybe more involved or at least feeling like we SHOULD be more involved, but the template for HOW to be involved is still very much the “Mom” template and maybe there’s no difference, but there shouldn’t be an automatic assumption that dads will do parenting like moms! Boy, that sounded REALLY INTENSE.

Nathan: Revolution!

Doug:  Yes!  Overthrow the moms and …. oh shit…COME BACK MOMS! I have one part in my show (I know it probably seems like I’m trying to plug my show, but this is how I talk) that is about how the Disney Princesses are TOO SEXY and goes into that OUTRAGE. But in the show, the outrage over the sexiness shifts into being sort of turned on by them. It’s wrong and (hopefully) funny.  But there is this sense out there that if you GOD FORBID let your kid play with a princess doll or a pink lego that they will become unempowered for life or something.

Nathan:  Which [princess are you into]? Ariel? Cinderella?

Doug:  Oh all of them. Cinderella because she’s not afraid to get a little dirty and cleans up good. Ariel because of the clam shell bikini.

Nathan: Noted. I hear you about playing with dolls, etc.: the stakes feel so high with everything. We used to get into huge fights with my mother-in-law about how she let the kids watch too much TV. What if it all doesn’t matter, or at least not that much?

Doug:  Haha, oh man.  I think we all do that. I grew up watching a ton of tv. So you can justify it like, “I turned out okay”. But you also read the article that says, no TV before they are 12 years old or whatever.

Nathan: I hate that article

Doug: In my childbirth class… ya know the one that you have to watch the weird videos from the 80’s about the cooperative child birthing practices of the Norwegians or whatever… my teacher there said one really helpful thing. She said “Parenting is more about long-term consistency”. And I repeat that to myself every time I am letting my daughter watch Dora again. As long as IN THE LONG RUN she hasn’t really watched too much Dora, we’re fine (and she probably won’t even LIKE Dora when she’s a grownup, so it’ll all even out).

Nathan: Yes, be consistent. What if my consistent is: I consistently read the Times to find out which new survey is telling me I’m doing it all wrong and I need to change everything or else my child will kill hookers at truck stops for the next forty years?

Doug:  Yes, that is a problem. Don’t do THAT. That specific thing.

Nathan:  How has the show been going? Do you find it’s more moms than dads (I think our blog readership is—hi moms!) in the audience? Or is a real Man Show crowd?

Doug:  It’s been going great!  I’ve been running it since the tail end of August. It’s hard for me to judge if more moms/dads…there’s been a lot of parents there but it’s not a Man Show kind of show really.  Because it’s at the UCB (Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre), it’s got a lot of comedy nerds there.

Nathan:  They have sex and children too.

Doug: Nerds definitely have sex. Part of what’s been fun about the show is that parents have come up to me and been like, “oh man, that one thing is so true” but also comedy nerds and hipsters who probably still hate babies have also liked it. You don’t have to be a parent to relate to it, I don’t think. Even if you’re not worried you’re a bad dad, you can worry that you’re bad at something.  Like if you are from Bushwick, you can worry that you are a Bad Barrista. I say this as a true dependent on Good Baristas. I’m just saying:  “Baristas:  Buck up!”

Nathan: Last question: who are your role models in talking about parenting: comedians, authors, musicians? Was there anyone that took inspiration from in making this show?

Doug:  hmmm…good question…the rest of those questions, not so much…I kid.

Nathan: And listen, if the answer is DadWagon, don’t be shy. I don’t blush easy.

Doug:  Ya know, I had great parents so clearly them. AND DADWAGON. Pretty much an even split.

Nathan: Awesome. End interview there.