Why is it that all of my idols from childhood are drug addicts? Lawrence Taylor, Dwight Gooden, Jean-Michel Basquiat (kidding, sort of), and yes, Corey Haim. I will admit to shedding a tear at the demise of my favorite Lost Boy. Why couldn’t it be one of these guys? There’s no justice in the world.
Picture me flicking my bic in his honor, and please enjoy this little clay-mation tidbit:
Ah, the hysteria.
The Boston Globe reported yesterday on girl-bullying by mostly quoting a bunch of people who are in the girl-bully-business. People like Barbara Coloroso, author of The Bully, the Bullied and the Bystander (“If we don’t handle it in grade school … it only gets worse”). And Rachel Simmons, who wrote Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls (“By some accounts [bullying] happens preverbally in girls”). Or Deborah Weaver, who runs self-defense courses for tweens (“what’s different is how uninhibited it has become”).
The article also reported that hard-working Massachusetts politicians have proposed an anti-bullying bill that would oblige school employees to report acts of bullying (yay! more cops involved in schools!). There might be some legitimate complaints about whether the state legislature should really concern itself with bullying, or whether there really is an epidemic that needs to be addressed. But the article only entertains one possible objection to the bill. Namely, that it’s not tough enough:
But critics say the bill does not go far enough because it doesn’t criminalize bullying, nor can schools be held liable if they fail to protect children. “It’s a real toothless tiger,’’ says victims’ rights lawyer Wendy Murphy, who teaches at New England School of Law.
You can bet that Murphy, when looking for big payouts for bullied girls, will be citing this article and saying that [name institution here] ignored public warnings about the wave of bullying incidents.
This is all tied to the unfortunate suicide of a Massachusetts teen in January which got all buzzed up because it involved “cyberbullying” (the “teasing went digital,” Good Morning America intoned somberly at the time). Sad as that case was, it is hardly part of an epidemic: the most recent Massachusetts Department of Public Health death report (.pdf), from 2007, shows that boys were still six times more likely than girls to commit suicide, and that suicide rates for both are down significantly since the mid-’90s.
Sometimes I wish the media could say something completely true, like: people get bullied, it sucks and should be mitigated, but that, you know, it has always been that way.
Last night I ate dinner at Da Danilo, a traditional Roman trattoria that makes what’s supposed to be one of the city’s best spaghetti alla carbonara. (It is very good.) I arrived just about 9:30 to find Margherita Vittoria waiting for me.
Now, she was not actually waiting for me, per se. In fact, she had no idea I even existed. But when I saw her baby carriage—a Peg Perego, I think—in the corner, I knew she’d been placed there especially for me. Margherita Vittoria, 6 months old, was dining out with her parents.
I don’t have much to say about this, really, except: A baby!!! Outside!!! At night!!! In a restaurant!!! A nice one too!!!
Yes, she cried a bit. No, none of us cared.
Eventually, around 11pm, M.T. left with her mother and, I think, an aunt, while papa and grandpa finished their meal. I was probably the only one who noticed.
Then I went back to my braised oxtail, my glass of Furore, and my legitimate dinner companion, Simona.
A couple of weeks back I wrote about the difficulties I’ve had with my hard-bargaining little boy. I wondered if I would have more success hoodwinking JP if I employed the techniques of a master negotiator. So, I sought out a master negotiator. He’s Roger Dawson, the founder of the Power Negotiating Institute, author of You Can Get Anything You Want, But You Have To Do More Than Ask, and father of three. Enjoy.
Welcome, Roger. Which of the techniques from your books did you use most on your kids when they were young?
I learned that the smartest thing you can do with children is get them to tell you what it is they want. A CEO of a company in Portland once told me that he would put his 3-year-old son to bed but he wouldn’t stay there. Before he took my seminar, this would have resulted in a confrontation, tears, and a “because I said so” type argument. After he’d attended one of my Power Negotiating seminars, he learned to say, “What do you want us to do?” And his son would say, “I’ll stay in bed if you read me a story.” A successful, non-confrontational negotiation.
If only it were so rational. However, did your kids ever turn the tables on you? That is, did you ever see your negotiation techniques being used by them, instinctively or otherwise?
Are you kidding me? Most of what I know about negotiating I learned from my children! I remember once that my older son Dwight asked me if he could borrow my Corvette for the evening. I said, “Dwight, that’s a pretty fast car. I don’t know if I’d feel comfortable with you driving around all night in the Corvette.” He looked really disappointed, and said, “Could I borrow the minivan, then?” I said, “Okay, I guess I don’t have a problem with you borrowing the minivan.” I didn’t think any more about it until half an hour later when I looked out into the driveway. Dwight plays bass guitar with this group and he was loading these huge loudspeakers into the back of the minivan. No way could he have put all that equipment in the Corvette! Lesson: ask for more than you expect to get.
On your website, you talk about developing different negotiating styles. What styles did your children employ with you? Did it vary by gender?
That’s one of life’s little mysteries, isn’t it? How can you raise three children in exactly the same way and have them come out so differently? It’s important to realize that your children are different and you need to adapt to their style. Start by evaluating them on a scale of 1 to 10 in two areas. How emotional are they? How assertive are they? As for gender, you are asking me to tread a path from which no man returns unscathed! I’ll take the Fifth on that one.
Did you let your kids read your books, watch your videos, or attend your seminars when they were young? Or were you afraid that they would, like Obi-Wan Kenobi, become more powerful than you could possibly imagine?
Children seem fascinated by negotiating. Many people have told me that they have been playing my audio programs in the car and suddenly realized that their children were in the back seat paying rapt attention. I’m not concerned that my children are going to take over my life any more than they already have. I’d much rather negotiate with someone who knows how to negotiate. It’s when they don’t know how to negotiate that problems flair up.
Is it possible that somehow my son JP was educated at your Power Negotiating Institute without my knowing it?
He sounds like a Power Negotiator already! I’m proud of him.
You give quite a bit of advice as to when in a negotiation you should “get it in writing.” My son only knows how to write his letters, not words. Is this an advantage I should exploit?
He could be just acting dumb around you. Behind your back he’s probably furiously texting.
My son is a very picky eater. He combines this reluctance to consume anything other than pizza and ice cream with advanced haggling instincts. For example, he won’t start eating unless we agree in advance on what portion of the food and/or drink he has to finish (it’s never the whole thing). If I refuse to negotiate a percentage, he won’t eat at all. Threats (go to bed, no TV, no play date, no college) have no impact, and usually I find myself either getting irate or giving in. What negotiation techniques do you suggest using with a person whose emotional and cognitive abilities are still relatively undeveloped?
I don’t believe in threats or deadlines in a negotiation. If you take hostages and threaten to kill the first one at noon, what had you better be prepared to do? You better be prepared to kill the first one at noon. If that deadline passes you’ve lost all your credibility. Hostage negotiators always test deadlines, and it sounds like little JP has been doing that to you.
Speaking of relatively undeveloped, who do you think would be harder to negotiate a deal with and why: A child who doesn’t want to take a bath or a corporate CEO?
Remember that kids are brilliant negotiators because at that young age negotiating is the only way JP has of getting what he wants. As he gets older and has his own money, he will start to lose those skills that came naturally to him when he was young.
What does it cost to book you for a meeting—and by meeting, I mean getting JP to go to bed after I read him a second story?
It sounds like naming your son Justice of the Peace was wishful thinking on your part!
Will I be arrested if I used the vise gambit on my son?
Only if you’re talking about the vise in your workshop. My vise tells you to respond to every offer with “You’ll have to do better than that.” If you really want to become a Power Negotiator, study how your children go about getting what they want. For example, I teach that the word No! is never a refusal, it’s only an opening negotiating position. But JP knows that, doesn’t he? You can say to him, “I am sick and tired of hearing about this! Go to your room, I don’t want to see you again until tomorrow. And if you ever bring this up again you’re grounded!” Does he hear refusal? No! He’s up on his bed thinking, “Wasn’t that an interesting opening negotiating position? Where do we go from here?”
