DADWAGON

As Theodore mentioned in his pithy ranticle from earlier today, the government does try to get involved in parenting from time to time.

But among jackbooted thuggery are some good programs, and those, naturally, are also opposed by conservatives.

Michael Salmonowicz at True/Slant points out  that the Heritage Foundation opposes a Chicago program called Parents Too Soon (reporter Stephanie Banchero at the Chicago Tribune, on the other hand, is a fan). It seems like a smart program–low-cost home visits to help young inner-city parents give their children the best start possible in life. Building stronger families, with healthier kids: why would the family-values crowd oppose that?

Salmonowicz thinks he found the answer:

A somewhat tedious check through the bios of the Heritage Foundation’s 80 “policy experts” (75 of whom are white, and none of whom are black, for what it’s worth) resulted in this interesting finding: Of those experts who deal with education, health, or family issues, only one has been a teacher (though Jennifer Marshall taught at an American school in France, which isn’t exactly Compton or the south side of Chicago), and none of their bios included anything relating to working with parents and children in low-income communities (which makes me wonder how the HF can call them “experts” in these areas). Then again, after conservatives spent a year maligning President Obama for doing this kind of work in his post-college years, they probably would have deleted that part of their resumes in order to keep up their never-been-anywhere-near-the-street cred.

These are the people who would control our education policy…

They call it “reactive parenting”. I think that basically means “going apeshit on your child”. How to avoid it? Well, in the past, the only tools available were mushy self-control techniques, like those on this site encouraging “quick cooling” and being a “Parent Coach, rather than a Parent Cop.”

Boring!

Now, fortunately, we’ve got Brain Science on our side. A new study in which mothers perform “frustrating tasks” with their kids, shows that reactive parenting correlates with poor Working Memory.

Working Memory is the part of short-term memory that helps you execute tasks, and apparently if yours sucks, you can’t reason that quickly, so you go postal.

What to do if you have poor Working Memory? The study was a little thin on remedies, but there is one outfit that promises to whip your flabby frontal cortex and basal ganglia into shape. And it even has a Dr. Evil-sounding name: Cogmed.

They don’t get too specific about how they exercise your brain, and the whole thing–based in Sweden–does look a little quacky. But apparently some New York shrinks are offering the Cogmed program, including the wonderfully named Rivertowns Center for Attention on the Hudson.

So next time you’re thinking of smacking your child around, call the Swedish brain people instead.

Attention unwed parents: The state of Washington plans to round you up, sterilize you, and steal your babies (with dingoes!).

Don’t believe me? Check this out: the federal government is paying them to abduct your child! Run!

Yes, they call the program something innocuous, like “Focus on the Child: Family-Centered Services for Unwed Parents in Washington State.”

Don’t believe it! It’s euthanasia. Flee while you still can!

First they get you to focus on the needs of your child, set up a plan for their life in separate households, perhaps get you to commit to, oh, I don’t know, not burning the child with a poker and consigning them to a life of Manson-like incarceration and then serial murdering, and then next thing you know–bam! It’s kidnapping, you’re shipped off to Guantanamo, and your child is enrolled in a super-secret military training program designed to create a master race of genetically engineered warriors.

Oh wait, that’s Ender’s Game. This is just some misguided attempt by the government to force white trash unfit parents to pretend they’re fit.

The Poop parentblog at the SF Chronicle raised my hopes with this headline: Why being a parent in the Bay Area totally rules.

Turns out it’s not a real list (just four  items, the first is: there are lots of balloons and puppies in the Bay Area). But I’ll take the bait, particularly since I was born in SF and still have big family there. The fact is, there are lots of beautiful things about raising a kid in the Bay Area. Sunshine is one of them (unless, as I once did, you live in that slice of outer Siberia known the Richmond District).

But I would be remiss if I didn’t give a robust defense of raising a kid in New York City. Because, actually, I get asked about it all the time by people who don’t live here. And we continue to see people move (usually, I have to say, at the behest of the pregnant mom) to the suburbs or clear across the country, in a misguided attempt to find more “baby-friendly” living.

So a short list of my own: I’m sure the DadWagon cohort and our brave nascent commenters can add more.

Why raising a kid in New York rules:

1. Bagels. The perfect toddler food, perfected in New York. The only thing better would be living wherever the hell Cheerios come from.
2. The subway. Not just for getting around (OK, the banshee screech of the decrepit C-line brakes did scare Dalia for the first year or so), but also because they are the ideal obsession for preschoolers. Don’t know why, but Dalia–and many of her classmates–love to geek out MTA-style, reciting which trains run local or express on which days and where they go. Not that you want to let it go too far, but the subways are a great way for little brains to order the world.
3. Maduros. Sweet fried plaintains: they are bananas, but even softer and sweeter. Dominicans love ’em, babies love ’em.
4. Brookalyn. So preschoolers have a hard time pronouncing it. But it’s where people have high ceilings, and where there are lots of trees. Good for weekend trips out of Manhattan. Enough said.
5. Anti-car-culture. My wife has a car that she commutes with. But unlike most Americans, who are virtual shut-ins without their cars, we can get milk without hassling with carseats, garage-door openers, parking spots, parking lots. Our biggest concern is not stepping in dog shit on the way to the corner.
6. Queens. Not to get all foodie on you, but our girl ate Chinese jellyfish tentacles (that was in Bensonhurst) and loved it; there is an endless supply of tentacle in Flushing, of tamales in Corona Park, of biryani in Jackson Heights, and on and on.
7. Childbirth. Everybody lives 20 blocks or less from a hospital. Water breaks, just hop in a cab. Plus, there’s lots of gunners staffing the hospitals of New York. The come from all over the country to practice medicine here. And while you wouldn’t want to socialize with them, they get the job done.
8. Pre-schools. Sure, applying to eight schools to get accepted by just two was weird. As is the colossal check we had to write for the privilege of attending said school. And really, private Manhattan preschool teachers bear a striking resemblance to the cut-rate Florida Keys variety I was taught by: they are all nice and good with kids. But look at the bright side: I got to meet Mariska Hargitay, the highest-paid actress on TV, who was trying to get her kid into the same Montessori school we were looking at. Actually, Dalia was turned down there too. Probably lost out to Mariska’s kid. Ouch.

Anything to add? Anything to subtract?