DADWAGON

My voice has been a little mute around the ‘Wagon these days. That’s largely because I’ve been in Austin trying to figure out just who is going to pay for this here DadWagon blog: I’ve had great conversations with the folks from Babble, with Gretchen Rubin, with our DadBlogger buddies, even Guy Kawasaki, who I think told me that we are essentially fucked.

Look for a piece on Time.com tomorrow that gives a full roundup of my oleaginous attempts at “buying in” (as opposed to “selling out”) at South by Southwest.

In the meantime, here’s a weird instinct I have. My wife just flew to Houston for a week of seminarin’ (that’s the Texas word for it), and I am platooning with the babysitter for the week. But I can’t really handle that. There’s something about being with the kids by myself in our home explaining for the thousandth time that mama is going to be home soon that I find oppressive. So rather than deal with that, I’m taking a few days off work and heading on the road with the babies.

This is, I suppose, odd. Traveling is not supereasy with kids. We’re not going far–just driving to Baltimore and DC–but it does mean sleeping on a few different couches, some which we’ll probably have to share with dogs. And car rides are not always the most fun either (though my kids are, fyi, both front-facing).

But at least in travel there’s motion, and commotion, and something new, which keeps the kids disoriented enough that they often forget to whine about getting chocolates before lunch or, again, about where the hell their mother is.

The only problem? Travel has always been a literal escape for me, a way of running away from whatever it is I’m looking to put behind me, even if only for a few days. Like Matt, I’m somewhat addicted to traveling, in a way that often conflicts with my better instincts about parenting. And by roping my kids in, I’m doing more than giving them a fun bit of away-time with their dad. I’m also modeling the same happyfeet that will either bless or curse them throughout their lives.

Once upon a time, we used to chuck the kiddies in the back of the beltless Buick, light up a whole pack of camels, chug Crown Royal from a flask, and drive off to Grandma’s house without a second thought. Or a first thought, actually. That’s how drunk we were. Sometimes we’d even forget the kids and the car, and just pass out in the oil puddle on the floor of the garage. Cuz that’s how parenting was done back when men were men, and women did all the work we didn’t want to.

Now, however, we know better. We’ve stopped drinking and driving and smoking, and we wear seat belts all the time, even when we leave the car, even when we’re out camping and we have to go swimming in mountain lakes—even then we’re still wearing our seatbelts, and we make damn sure our kids are too.

And still, we’re putting them in danger, because, as the Times learns today, we’ve been facing their carseats forward too fucking early:

Toddlers are usually switched from rear-facing to forward-facing car seats right after their first birthday — an event many parents may celebrate as a kind of milestone.

But in a new policy statement, the nation’s leading pediatricians’ group says that is a year too soon.

The advice from the American Academy of Pediatrics, issued Monday, is based primarily on a 2007 University of Virginia study finding that children under 2 are 75 percent less likely to suffer severe or fatal injuries in a crash if they are facing the rear.

Why? Why are you putting your child in such clear, indisputable danger? Is it because you had no idea this was dangerous? Or is it … something else:

“A lot of parents consider turning the car seat around as another developmental milestone that shows how brilliant and advanced their child is,” [Debbi Baer, a labor and delivery nurse in Baltimore who has been a car safety advocate for children for more than 30 years] said, “and they don’t realize that it’s making their child less safe.”

You. You bastard. You heartless prick. You are killing your children! Now turn that damn seat around, hand your toddler your iPhone, and get back on the road.

Don’t know how many of you visited DadWagon this past Friday, but if not, I’d like to direct your attention to Matt’s most recent post, An Important Announcement About Our New Corporate Overlords. (Yes, it says it’s by “dadwagon,” but Matt’s prints are all over it. Plus, I was sitting in the room while he wrote it.)

Pretty funny stuff, eh? Chinese companies taking over DadWagon! DadWagon worth actual money! Ha!

And yet, for the careful reader, there was a slight note of discord that one might recognize. Namely, my death: “Theodore, meanwhile, has been executed and his family sent a bill for the hatchet bullet(s).”

Cute, Matt, real cute. Here’s the thing you folks out there might not know: Matt is a total asshole. I know, I know, his persona doesn’t really come across that way, but it’s true—complete jerk. Don’t believe me? Look at this recent photo:

Note the glee, the sheer joy at his daughter’s displeasure. Now the awful truth—he’d just stolen her lollipop! Yes. He’s smiling, she’s crying, and if you’ll look closely, notice his purple tongue!

And now he wants to kill me. Call me paranoid.

DadWagon has sold out.

This has been, of course, a long time coming. We’re sure you’ve heard rumors about the offers from AOL, from Trump, from Rupe, from Carlos Slim—all of which were true, albeit far beneath our consideration. But now—finally!—along has come an inquiry that piqued our interest. Last night, we received the following e-mail:

• From: “John” <info@yg-networksltd.com>
• Subject: Urgent notice of Intellectual Property protection
• Dear Manager:
• This email is from China domain name registration center, which mainly deal with the domain name registration and dispute internationally in China and Asia.
• On March 18th 2011. We received HAITONG company’s application, they want to register ” dadwagon” as its Internet keyword and CN/Asia domain names. It is china and Asia domain names. But after checking we find this domain name conflict with your company, in order to deal with this matter better, so we send you email, and want to confirm whether this company is your distributor or business partner in China?
• I’m looking forward to hearing from you!
• Best Regards,
• John
• Oversea marketing manager
• Office: +86(0)21 6191 8696
• Mobile: +86 1366152 9704
• Fax: +86(0)21 6191 8697
• web: www.ygnetworkltd.com

At first, we too were surprised. Haitong, one of the oldest and largest securities companies in China, wanted to buy out the DadWagon.com URL? Surely Haitong’s board knew about our courting by, and rejection of, similar offers from JPMorgan, Goldman Sachs, and various hedge funds (the printing of whose names in a public forum would essentially sign our death warrants)?

But the more we looked into it, the more enticing the offer seemed. First, we asked ourselves: How much is our URL worth? Then we found an answer: $54,410.49. Multiplying this by the standard factor of 1,000, we realized that not only would accepting Haitong’s offer make us fabulously wealthy—on an American, if not Chinese, scale—but that Haitong, and its vast network of Sichuanese migrant bloggers, could probably do a better job at ranting about Manhattan pre-K programs than we ever could.

And so we’ve decided to accept Haitong’s generous offer. There will, naturally, be some changes. Starting next week, DadWagon will be presented to you in Chinese. There will be morning calisthenics (required) and afternoon tai chi (optional). Comments, alas, will be turned off—Haitong does not allow outside meddling in internal corporate affairs.

Staff changes are afoot as well. Matt has been taken off editorial duties and placed in charge of the DadWagon kitchen, where he has always longed to be; reportedly, he almost-cried at the news. Nathan, now a far better man than he once was, has been put at the head of the Self-Criticism and Fecal Apology Bureau. Theodore, meanwhile, has been executed and his family sent a bill for the hatchet bullet(s).

We understand that you’ve grown to know and love DadWagon over the past year and a half, and we hope that this bright new era will bring you just as much joy (i.e., none at all). If, however, the new DadWagon—henceforth to be known as 爸爸旅行车—fails to satisfy your yen for furious, comedic, overly sentimental bloggery, please direct your complaints to our new head office in Beijing. Complaints will be accept in person only; first come, first served. And now, please warmly welcome our new corporate owners, Haitong Securities Co., Ltd.!