DADWAGON

Hey, did you know that little kids say funny things? Yes, it’s a scientific fact that children just developing their verbal and cognitive skills often say or do things that, while incorrect, demonstrate a certain level of accidental logic and profundity that amuses adults. The television networks picked up on this long ago, producing a show (starring Ghost Dad) called “Kids Say the Darnedest Things!”

Well, now the hipsters over at Reddit have come to the same conclusion. Actually, they came to that conclusion a year ago, but we weren’t paying attention back then. What I’m saying is that every year, some Redditor invites scientific questions from other Redditors, which he then poses to his son, who was then 3 and is now 4. Said child’s responses are… funny! To whit:

AYAok 600 points 3 days ago[-]

Heya Kid, why do earthquakes happen? I mean, what’s down there?

3yearold [S] 1150 points 3 days ago[-]

I think there’s just meteorites that streaked and hit other meteorites back and forth and then I think it stops.

AYAok 819 points 3 days ago[-]

Thanks for clearing that up for me.

AtheistPope 1567 points 3 days ago[-]

You’re already smarter than Bill O’reilly.

What did I tell you? Hilarious. When you’ve tired of your own child’s entertaining mutterings, click on over to Reddit for the entire thing. Oh, and in the meantime, enjoy this clip from “Ghost Dad”:

Nice piece from Slate’s Josh Levin raises an important question about Sophie the Giraffe, Amazon’s best-selling baby item (outranking even the Snotsucker that DadLabs elevated to national prominence): is it just a dog toy?

You wouldn’t know it from the marketing. As Levin writes:

For those with more developed aesthetic sensibilities (and more consistent access to a credit card), an all-natural, French-made teether has a certain cachet. Sophie is fashioned from rubber “derived from the sap of the Hevea tree,” its pink cheeks and caramel-brown spots are applied with “food paint,” and it’s put together using a traditional process “that involves more than 14 manual operations.” The giraffe’s back story appeals both to the kind of parents who knit their brows over chemical-laced plastic—Sophie’s sales reportedly increased during the 2007 Chinese toy recalls—and those who get gooey over European eco-friendliness. The teether’s packaging, which includes an Eiffel Tower doodle and the en français spelling of girafe, also signals that this is an item for cultured carpoolers. “I think sometimes the Americans are in love with France, the villages and the quaint areas,” says Dumoulin-Montgomery. “When you know that Sophie is made in the Alps, it’s very appealing.”

For all its insane popularity, though, there is a small cabal of dissenters among the Amazon reviewers–perhaps ticked at the $25 price tag–that make a valid point. No matter how Continental the presentation is, Sophie is just a dog toy. Which would make all the talk of ‘food paint’ and the drawings of the Eiffel Tower just a dog whistle for the anxious, overspending parents we have become.

Le sigh.

We here at DadWagon have been relatively forthright with regards to our goals for planetary domination: make more Asian-white babies! Or at least marry them! Twice in some cases (me)! Then pretend that you’re not specifically into that sort of thing! Because fetishes aren’t cool!

Anyway, the DadWagon men have spouses all of some portion of Asian extraction. It’s what we like, along with ladies who earn more money than us. It doesn’t seem that odd, particularly here in Brooklyn, where Jewish men are required to walk around with Asian women and mixed children, even if the children aren’t theirs and the Asian woman has never met them. It’s the law, people!

Funny as that all may be (to me), I guess I never really though much about how the other–that is, Asian–side feels. Now that I’ve thought about it, I’ve decided I shouldn’t think about it any more. Consider this, from Vietnam Talking Points, which considers quite without any irony why the white fellas dig the Asian ladies:

My Asian guy friends are always asking, “Why are Asian girls always dating white guys?” Some account this type of coupling to a bad case of yellow fever (the Asian fetish kind, not the viral disease). Others say girls go for status and something new. Will we ever agree that it could be, you know, love?

Of course not, silly! It’s not about love, it’s about education and world domination and Brooklyn stereotypes. Sheesh.

The post goes on, to prove with mathematical precision (they did some Google searching) what factors actually contribute to this amorous-ethnic melding:

So let’s synthesize: Smart economics, the media, yellow fever, Asian shyness and White aggression are all at the root of the Asian Girl + White Boy equation. All of these make sense, but my mind and gut are saying there has to be more.

His mind and gut? Fella, this isn’t about mind and gut, is it?

Remember how, just hours ago, I decried the child-salon-industrial-complex? Well, I stand by those statements, but I’m not entirely sure I would say it to this kid to his face.

Theodore is our usual wrestling correspondent here on DadWagon–he wrestled in high school and spearheaded DadWagon’s remarkable coverage of the Butt Drag. But I’m stepping in to offer this slightly insane video of “Stevo” Poulin, an elementary school wrestler and NY state champion who struts like a rooster and has similar plumage. I guess if you’re gonna give a kid that haircut, you better make sure he can kick ass.