Cigarettes and karate -- true wisdom, my boy.

In honor of this unfortunate child who speaks Klingon, here is some totally useless super-important stuff I will make certain J.P. knows by the time he is 50:

1. The ewoks were speaking Tibetan.
2. The term “peckerwood” has nothing to do with a pecker, an erection, or wood. It is still okay to laugh at it.
3 Champagne comes from Champagne. Only there. Anyone who cares about this should be avoided — unless they’re buying.
4. Don’t use the word “literally” in a sentence if you don’t mean it. Example: “I literally lost my mind.” No, you didn’t. Note: I do this all the time. It makes me sound like an idiot.

Thus endeth the lesson for today, young man. Back to tormenting the nice children in your preschool.