A silly little piece in the Times the other day caught my attention.
It was, at least on one level, a good holiday story about commercialism and overspending on children for the holidays. As a parent, I can relate. JP got two sets of Lincoln Logs (one from my Dad, one from my ex), a TinkerToy set (from me), two identical learn-to-write-letters kits (one from my mother, the other from my brother), a dominoes set from my mother (we’re going gangsta in my house, apparently), along with tons of clothes he will never wear.
The writer, Julie Scelfo, talks about how she can’t convince her parents to stop giving her child so much stuff. Fair enough. She also talks about culling some of the toys that her child doesn’t use any more. Check.
Fine, fine, fine.
But why does this issue have to become an issue?
While entire industries have sprung up to help people deal with problems like household clutter, few resources exist … for navigating what many discover to be an emotionally laden issue: how to keep well-meaning loved ones from overdoing it with gifts for the children. Online message boards are filled with pleas from exasperated parents seeking advice on managing the endless influx of toys, and preventing what they see as the dual tragedies of creating waste — financial and environmental — and raising spoiled brats.
Huh? Is she suggesting a support group for parents who get too much shit? Perhaps there might be a little blue pill that might help? Should we pass legislation protecting parents from over-consumerish grandparents?
Ugh. The article goes on in this vein, too, not wanting to leave any part of this ridiculous “hot-button issue” uncovered:
One grandmother recently posted an anonymous message on grandparents.com asking for help dealing with what she sees as ungrateful behavior: “Am I unreasonable to expect my daughter-in-law to keep the clothing and toys I give my granddaughters for a while before she gets rid of them?” she wrote. “It seems like everything I purchase or make for the girls is given away or ‘lost’ after a short time. It upsets me to the point of tears.”
Has anyone alerted the National Guard?
Look, I get all of this stuff. We buy things for lots of reasons: love, guilt, fear, pleasure. Buying pervades everything that has to do with the holidays, our relationships with our children, all of it. But this is just claptrap, something only marginally true that is reported as real about a thing that is mildly disturbing and pitched as a big problem.
Gotta love the Old Gray Lady.
Your point is well-taken–that this issue need not become an Issue. However, I think that Grandma not respecting the gift-giving wishes of the parents often is a relatively trivial manifestation of a more general belief that one has the *right* to do whatever one wants, when it comes to grandchildren. And that can extend to things that may be more important (to the parent) than gifts, such as giving a fast-flow bottle to a two-month-old whose mother is trying to establish breastmilk and breastfeeding and therefore, explicitly asked that her kid not be bottle-fed (yet). Each parent’s “breaking point” might differ–I predict that Grandma will, in the future, give my kid all the overprocessed and oversugared junk food he wants, and that will most definitely be another Issue for me; another parent might take issue with Grandma not requiring a bike helmet to be worn, etc. In the end, though, doesn’t the parent’s (assuming the parent is fit) wishes take precedence above all when it comes to raising the kid?
No doubt.
My mother gives my kid cow’s milk when she knows very well I don’t give him milk and would prefer she did not give him milk.
She still does it. It makes me mad. It makes me feel belittled which I assume is her point. If she liked me at all, she would not do it. There’s nothing I can do about it.
There are many more examples I could give, some outright dangerous and borderline criminal.
If I want him to know his Grandma and spend any time with her, I have to accept her idea of child raising is very different from mine and just put up with it. She’s not going to change.
For that reason he is alone with her very rarely. That’s my choice. I give up the free babysitting because I don’t appreciate her lackadaisical care giving.
She doesn’t seem to care very much about not seeing him often. We don’t like each other very much. That is life.
p.s. I’m going to be the best Grandmother on earth and I can’t wait. I’m going to suck up to my daughter-in-law like you won’t believe. Anything she wants, even if I’m convinced she’s nuts and out of her mind, I’m going to do it.
I know what it’s like to be a mom 😉
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My wife’s family was raised on the opposite side of the tracks from mine. As a child, I remember getting only a few items for Christmas; by ‘few’, I mean 3 or 4 items. Often it would include something like a tape recorder, that was to be “shared” between us kids. And we were just fine with that. Birthdays brought 1 or 2 things, and we were also good with that.
My wife’s family, however, grew up with less Dixie cups, and more polished utensils. Now, birthdays and Holidays bring way more presents that one could ever need or want, nevermind play with. It’s absolutely insane. Honestly, 20-30 presents, each child, this past Christmas. I mean, WTF? Lest they forget that Lil’s 5th birthday was 17 day prior, where she received no less than 10 gifts?
As well, why does every trip to Wallyworld, TarJay, etc., include a small ‘toy’ for being good in the store? For serious? Me being good in the store, as a child, meant I didn’t get an ass-whoopin’, and I got to pick out the cereal of choice, from the 3 or 4 she let me choose from. 🙂
Our children get far too much crap these days. There are so many toys within these children’s reach at home, that if they break one, no big deal. There’s 40 or 50 other things to play with. They (for the most part) have no sense of value or respect for what they have, and that drives me up the wall.
“So, Rick, what did you get your kids for Christmas this year?”
– “Clothes; something that they can use.”
“What? You didn’t buy them any toys? Scrooge.”
– “That’s right. Their aunt and grandmother and mom will buy them far more than they will ever use, so why add to the pile?”
blank stare ensues…