Playdates have been foremost on my JP agenda of late. He’s three and a half, which means the parallel play phase has generally faded. He’s ready for buddies. It’s a good thing for him socially, I think, and given his hyperdrive-level need for physical activity, letting him duke it out with the neighborhood children (in a safe, giving, loving environment) is good for me too.
But arranging these things is no picnic. First off, consider the gender issues. Am I the only one who thinks that asking a mother if she wants to get our kids together sounds like a proposition? It doesn’t get any easier with the fathers, either. I’m still making a move–only now it’s on a man.
Add in some class anxiety, and you have a real pickle. I live on the cheap end of a fancy neighborhood. Most of the children JP hangs with live on the good end. Never mind that I live across the street from a playground, or that I traded a highfalutin zip code for a third bedroom and an underground parking space–most of the playdates are at the other parents’ house.
Last, there is divorce. First, most of these parents have no idea I’m divorced (both my ex and I attend school functions together; call it penance, as we try not to fuck with JP’s mind too much). Therefore, to invite someone over, I have to let them know that I’m divorced, so that if my girlfriend is there they won’t freak out (swinger!). Also, there’s the complexity of having to share these friends with my ex. It’s not fair to say to JP that he can only play with, say, Jesse, at my house and Ricky at hers. But that will happen if I don’t make an effort to organize playdates during times when JP isn’t with me.
The modern world sucks.
I can’t empathize completely b/c I’m am not divorced and typically my wife is the one to coordinate playdates or find new friends for my kids…but I do know that when I take the kids out on my own for the day that if we’re somewhere and they happen to make a friend (albeit maybe only a temporary one) I do wonder how to open a discussion with the parent that is there without coming off as trying to betray the aforementioned wife at home.
I’ve come to the conclusion that it just shouldn’t matter to the other parent. If my attempt at conversation and increasing my kids stable of friends comes off as a proposition or some sort of impropriety then I don’t have a problem with that. The fact of the matter is that I’m simply trying to make sure that my kids have friends to spend time with and enjoy themselves with. If that happens to provide the benefit of some adult time (and by that I mean simply time to converse with another adult) for me and the other parent then I’m going to try to do it. Not to mention that I do want my kids to be comfortable enough when they’re older to be able to strike up a conversation with anyone.
I say, throw caution to the wind and let the other parents in the fancy neighborhood gossip amongst themselves. You do what’s right and good for your kids and nothing else matters.
ernie’s right.
you need to relax. perhaps, you know, smoke a little pot…
Stonerdad–what do you think I do at the playdates? (to my ex-wife and her attorney, that is a joke. I don’t smoke pot at playdates).
I agree with Ernie. You are over thinking it. Do what is best for your kid. Don’t worry about your ex, your girlfriend, or the other parents. Just play.
PS Good Blog