An empty suit

Let’s be clear about this right from the start: No, and not because I don’t want to (I’ll get to my feelings on that later). It’s because I can’t. For those of you who don’t know it, divorce can be slightly expensive. Finances in my household aren’t so good right now, and I don’t really see them improving any time soon. Private school ain’t happening.

Yet as I write this, I have actually applied on JP’s behalf at a private school in Brooklyn. How, you ask? Well, mostly due to that whole Denial-being-a-River type thing, but also because the public school system doesn’t really leave me any choice.

Here’s how it works: on March 1, I submit JPs preschool application to the NYC Board of Education. On it, I list up to twelve public schools that I would be willing to have him attend. First choice is typically either a really good school or the one that I’m “zoned” for (more on this, too). The zone school, logically enough, is the closest school to my house. That’s about where the logic ends.

Let me back up. The full name for pre-K is actually “Universal Pre-k,” which, one might expect, implies a certain, well, universality of its existence and access. A better term for it, however, might be “Unfunded mandate,” as that is really what it is. Pre-K is a federal program that is “administered” through the local Board of Ed. This means that the schools have to offer it, but that there is no guidance as to how much of it they have to offer. What you find, at least in Brooklyn, is that the schools usually have only one or two pre-K classes, which are required, by federal law, to be no larger than 18 students.

In the fancy-pants neighborhoods of Brooklyn, the result of this is that many children will not be able to attend lovely, well-educated, FUCKING FREE pre-K at the yuppie public school around the corner. There’s simply no room for them. Yes, that’s right — you can be denied a place in the public school on the corner. The one that is funded by your taxes. That is part of a public education system that is intended to be open and free to all.

This doesn’t mean you have to immediately go to private school. The Board of Ed does have to make a space available to you within in your “district.” The only problem is that the district can be quite large, and can also include schools that are the educational equivalent of 1980s Beirut.

Let me also add in another wrinkle in the game of New York City academic triage. As I noted, there often aren’t enough spaces to go around in certain zones; therefore, you are free to apply to other schools in the district. There are, however, hierarchies of preference for entrance into those schools.

Someone get a calculator:

• first preference: in zone with siblings already in the school
• second preference: out of zone, with siblings in the school
• third preference: in zone, no siblings
• fourth preference: out of zone, no siblings (also known as “shit out of luck”)

Oh, by the way, you won’t know if you got a spot in these schools until AUGUST. Thus, despite my penury, I am forced paid to apply to a private school, and may even pay more to put down a deposit (several thousand dollars) just to make sure JP has a backup plan for school next year.

This, then, is the Tantrum, for the week: Should you send your child to private school? My answer is WHO THE FUCK KNOWS? I’m just trying to figure out how I’m going to get him into school anywhere without having to look like this guy:

I’m assuming my colleagues on this blog will have something to say on the ethical components of how their little ones get educated. Stay tuned.