My feelings about the circus are already on record here—to sum up, I find it not the “Greatest Show on Earth” but possibly the dullest—and if you wanted to make the whole business even less appealing, you couldn’t do much better than this. A UK paper has reported that this gent, Dominic Deville, can be hired as a scary clown for children’s parties. Kid gets a cake smashed into his or her face at the get-go, and the festivities don’t stop there.

Great, great idea, folks. Nothing like public humiliation and at least two or three seriously spooked children to really get a party started. You know all those stories about the hazings boarding-school boys inflict? In case your kid happens to escape those, now you can hire your own pro to step in. On his or her birthday, even. (It’s no surprise to find that this service is in Switzerland, where real-life violence is entirely theoretical.)

But hey, let’s take this idea further, and Americanize it! Hire a guy in camo with a realistic toy AK-47, and we’ll call him Militia Dude. At the party, he can blow up the bouncy castle—not with air but with a truckload of fertilizer!

No, and no.