Cristopher Columbus may have sparked a genocide, but I still have to thank him for the opportunity to take a Monday holiday ride through Central Park with my kids. Coming around the northbound loop past the Met, we heard the Columbus Day parade and went to go have a look. I expected something good: giant cannolis? A bevy of sexy Berlusconi girls?

What I got was: Carl Paladino, Republican candidate for governor of New York. He was marching down Fifth Avenue, doubtless muttering dark threats under his breath as a phalanx of cameramen recorded his heavy footsteps.

This governor’s race couldn’t be more Italian if it was a contest for mayor of Arthur Avenue in the Bronx: Andrew Mark Cuomo versus Carl Pasquale Paladino. But these candidates are not the same. Cuomo is a silver-spooner who owes his career to his family, but Paladino is something far worse, a squabbly, pallid wreck of a man. Throw a hood over his head and you’ve got Emperor Palpatine. Except instead of rebels, what he really can’t stand are the Gays.

Here’s a taste of the speech he gave to a conservative Jewish group last week:

“I just think my children and your children would be much better off and much more successful getting married and raising a family, and I don’t want them brainwashed into thinking that homosexualtiy is an equally valid and successful option–it isn’t.”

This is  a classic move for everyone from politicians to those pretty moms in TV ads: use your authority as a parent to promote some bullshit delusion. Windex makes cleaning fun! Gays are an abomination! Trust me, I’m a parent.

Unfortunately for Paladino, he’s not just a father, he’s also an uncle: to a gay man who was none too happy about the hate speechy turn to the campaign.

This was all ostensibly couched as parenting advice from Paladino to Cuomo, who had taken his daughters to a this Gay Pride Parade: “I don’t think it’s proper for them to go there and watch a couple of grown men grind against each other. I don’t think that’s proper, I think it’s disgusting,” he said. To which Cuomo–who’s not my favorite politician ever–said quite reasonably: “I don’t think I’m going to accept parenting advice from Mr. Paladino.”

We can only hope that everyone can go back now to the campaign, and its evitable sad end for Paladino, and that will be the end of this miserable parent-guised gay-bashing. Just completely, like, finito.