This comes from Magda P., whom I met down in Buenos Aires just days before the entire leadership of her native country was lost in a single plane crash (a terrible tragedy with the worst kind of ironic timing, but still: even Time Inc. allegedly has rules against all of its top brass flying on the same plane. Why didn’t Poland?)

Once she bounced back from the tragedy, Magda got back to posting funny random shit on Facebook, which is her usual forte.  She had me hooked at the headline today: “Croatian teenager wakes up from coma speaking fluent German”. From the article:

The girl, from the southern town of Knin, had only just started studying German at school and had been reading German books and watching German TV to become better, but was by no means fluent, according to her parents.

I love the possibilities here. In a world of uterus-stereos and academic performance drugs, could it be that all you have to do is induce a coma and your child will come out speaking a new language? Could they master some other arcane skills? If they score a 2 on the Glasgow Coma Scale, could they get a 2300 on the SAT?

Of course, children can’t get themselves into a coma. And using a really blunt instrument like a truck or something would be risky. You’re gonna have to get them there yourself. Yes, I know that there are studies arguing against beating your kid more than a little. But haven’t you heard? Mastery of a second language looks really impressive on that private kindergarten application. Yes, I speak German and I’ve never been in a coma. But do you know how much schnitzel and senf I had to eat in the years I lived in Germany just to learn the language? Spare your child years of eisbein and other pork products.

Do the right thing.